I am extremely depressed!!

Warning: this post may be triggering for some individuals, if you self harm, please read with caution.


I am extremely depressed, feeling empty when no one here and i'm alone, hollow, worthless, hopeless.  Everyone always says that when you gain awareness of your actions, you have the power to change them.  While I do believe that in theory, the thought actually makes me feel more powerless.  I am aware of my behavior, I am generally aware of my thoughts surrounding said behavior (sometimes not until after the fact, but still aware), but I still feel powerless to change it.  I dont know how, and sometimes when i depressed I dont even believe in myself enough to actually make myself do the work.  I start to make myself try, the anxiety shoots through the fucking roof, and I fall back into my pit of despair.  This is how I have been when i get this illness.  I keep trying to convince myself that once I start therapy again it will be easier, I will have an ally that understands and can look at the situation from a rational, 3rd party perspective, that can help me learn to change.  I am forcing myself to hang in there, on a hope and a prayer that this is what will come to pass, although most of me still believes that I will never be able to get better unless I am in an inpatient setting where I can focus solely on recovery without the stress of daily life, and a large part of me just wants to look up, and buy what I need to carry out the suicide plan and just get it over with.  People always tell me that the fact that I am still here, that I keep forcing myself to get back up, dust myself off, and try again, is reason enough to keep trying, but is it?  That it proves how strong I am, but does it?  I dont know anymore.

Tidy up & New story

Sorry sebab bersarang sket blog saya kali ni,ehekss..!!maklum la baru lepas kahwin kan..??so paham2 jer la eyh..!!jgn nak complain byk2 okeh..!!

First of all,saya nak citer sal  hidup saya lepas saya menjadi 'HAK MILIK STEPHAN TUTTY'..Bahagia??mesti la..saya sgt bahagia walaupun terlalu banyak rintangan dan masalah yang datang betimpa2 pada saya dan dia sebelum maupun selepas kami diijabkabulkan menjadi suami isteri yang sah..Tapi saya bahagia sebab baik saya maupun dia,kami saling memahami dan bertolak ansur dalam setiap perkara atau masalah yang menimpa..Dan sebagai suami dia telah berjaya membuktikan bahawa dia seorang suami yang sangat baik..

Gaduh..???Alahai sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit kan,ni kan plak kita nie manusia biasa..gaduh tu xde la,tapi merajuk2 tu biasa la..especially dia..!!badan jer sasa,tapi dalam ati ada taman,sik majuk jerk..!!kalau majuk muncung tu bley ikat..!!ehekss..kadang2 masa dia merajuk tu la buatkan kami semakin happy sebab the way dia merajuk sangat la kelakar tahap gaban..hahhahha...

Doa saya semoga kami berdua bahagia smp bila2 walaupun ada yang mungkin kurang bahagia melihat kami bahagia..WTH,our life its our priority,so get the fuck shut the mouth if u didn't even like it..!!ahakss telebih emo plak..Rutin saya tiap2 hari selepas kawen ni,bgn pagi2 anta dia kat pintu sblm dia pegi office,( kat pintu jer la )hehhehe..tapi dia x brape nk suka saya bgn pagi2 anta dia,kadang2 tu dia soh saya tdo jerk,but before dia pegi keje his routine kiss me before he left..that never missed,and i am lucky to have him..his very good to me..i am very grateful to have him in my life..sayang u baby..!!;-)

Ok2,dah jauh sgt saya melarat kan.so i leave it that part..we go to another part which is today saya jumpa mak mertua saya,kitaorg g shopping sesama..cool giler la mak mertua saya,jln ngan dia macam jln dgn kakak plak..hehhhe..walaupun usia dia mencecah 60,tapi the way dia bawak diri dia,dia nampak macam 30an..teruja saya bila kali pertama jumpa mak mertua plus nervous of course..macam2 yang kami borak,dan paling best saya banyak mengusik stephan dan mak mertua saya sbb dorang suka sgt beli barang2 colour itam..!!adoyaiii..well basically saja nak buatkan dorang gelak..saya kan kadang2 wire tak brape nak betul kan..hehhehehhe

Dah selesai shopping,kitaorg lepak kat coffee shop kejap before balik and plus kaki saya still sakit sbb tekehel masa jogging kemarin..tp sbb mak mertua punya pasal saya gagahkan jugak kaki saya ni sbb nak jmp dia..saya noticed mak mertua saya beli baju yang saya suggestkan tuk dia instead baju yang dia pilih..!!good job jesse,saya harap dia suka saya..

Finally saya harap perkahwinan saya dan hubungan saya dengan family mertua saya akan berjalan dengan lancar dan doa saya tuhan permudahkan segalanya..Ameen..

New life begin & new chapter to create

FINALLY I MARRIED AND BE SOMEBODY'S WIFE,Stephan Wife,his wife..(Johan Raphael wife ) Right now i feel like i’m blessed.. by Allah..Thanks for everyone friend and family who wishing and give those prayers for both of us.
Terima kasih BABY for being my husband..I LOVE YOU SO MUCH..WE STILL IN HONEYMOON MOOD, tak mau ckp byk.. nanti2 baru cerita ...

Natural Killer Cancer

Believe it or not graviola can kill the cancer 10,000 times stronger than Chemo..!!!!

How many people died in vain while this billion-dollar
drug maker concealed the secret of the miraculous Graviola tree?

If there ever was a single example that makes it dramatically clear why the existence of Health Sciences Institute is so vital to Americans like you, it’s the incredible story behind the Graviola tree.

The truth is stunningly simple: Deep within the Amazon Rainforest grows a tree that could literally revolutionize what you, your doctor, and the rest of the world thinks about cancer treatment and chances of survival. The future has never looked more promising.

Research shows that with extracts from this miraculous tree it now may be possible to…

• Attack cancer safely and effectively with an all-natural therapy that does not cause extreme nausea, weight loss and hair loss
• Protect your immune system and avoid deadly infections
• Feel stronger and healthier throughout the course of the treatment
• Boost your energy and improve your outlook on life

The source of this information is just as stunning: It comes from one of America ‘s largest drug manufacturers, the fruit of over 20 laboratory tests conducted since the 1970′s! What those tests revealed was nothing short of mind numbing… Extracts from the tree were shown to:

• Effectively target and kill malignant cells in 12 types of cancer, including colon, breast, prostate, lung and pancreatic cancer.
• The tree compounds proved to be up to 10,000 times stronger in slowing the growth of cancer cells than Adriamycin, a commonly used chemotherapeutic drug!
• What’s more, unlike chemotherapy, the compound extracted from the Graviola tree selectively hunts down and kills only cancer cells. It does not harm healthy cells!

The amazing anti-cancer properties of the Graviola tree have been extensively researched–so why haven’t you heard anything about it? If Graviola extract is as half as promising as it appears to be–why doesn’t every single oncologist at every major hospital insist on using it on all his or her patients?

The spine-chilling answer illustrates just how easily our health–and for many, our very lives(!)–are controlled by money and power.

Graviola–the plant that worked too well

One of America ‘s biggest billion-dollar drug makers began a search for a cancer cure and their research centered on Graviola, a legendary healing tree from the Amazon Rainforest.

Various parts of the Graviola tree–including the bark, leaves, roots, fruit and fruit-seeds–have been used for centuries by medicine men and native Indians in South America to treat heart disease, asthma, liver problems and arthritis. Going on very little documented scientific evidence, the company poured money and resources into testing the tree’s anti-cancerous properties–and were shocked by the results. Graviola proved itself to be a cancer-killing dynamo.

But that’s where the Graviola story nearly ended.

The company had one huge problem with the Graviola tree–it’s completely natural, and so, under federal law, not patentable. There’s no way to make serious profits from it.

It turns out the drug company invested nearly seven years trying to synthesize two of the Graviola tree’s most powerful anti-cancer ingredients. If they could isolate and produce man-made clones of what makes the Graviola so potent, they’d be able to patent it and make their money back. Alas, they hit a brick wall. The original simply could not be replicated. There was no way the company could protect its profits–or even make back the millions it poured into research.

As the dream of huge profits evaporated, their testing on Graviola came to a screeching halt. Even worse, the company shelved the entire project and chose not to publish the findings of its research!

Luckily, however, there was one scientist from the Graviola research team whose conscience wouldn’t let him see such atrocity committed. Risking his career, he contacted a company that’s dedicated to harvesting medical plants from the Amazon Rainforest and blew the whistle.

Miracle unleashed

When researchers at the Health Sciences Institute were alerted to the news of Graviola, they began tracking the research done on the cancer-killing tree. Evidence of the astounding effectiveness of Graviola–and its shocking cover-up–came in fast and furious…

…The National Cancer Institute performed the first scientific research in 1976. The results showed that Graviola’s “leaves and stems were found effective in attacking and destroying malignant cells.” Inexplicably, the results were published in an internal report and never released to the public…

…Since 1976, Graviola has proven to be an immensely potent cancer killer in 20 independent laboratory tests, yet no double-blind clinical trials–the typical benchmark mainstream doctors and journals use to judge a treatment’s value–were ever initiated…

….A study published in the Journal of Natural Products, following a recent study conducted at Catholic University of South Korea stated that one chemical in Graviola was found to selectively kill colon cancer cells at “10,000 times the potency of (the commonly used chemotherapy drug) Adriamycin…”

…The most significant part of the Catholic University of South Korea report is that Graviola was shown to selectively target the cancer cells, leaving healthy cells untouched. Unlike chemotherapy, which indiscriminately targets all actively reproducing cells (such as stomach and hair cells), causing the often devastating side effects of nausea and hair loss in cancer patients.

…A study at Purdue University recently found that leaves from the Graviola tree killed cancer cells among six human cell lines and were especially effective against prostate, pancreatic and lung cancers…

Seven years of silence broken–it’s finally here!

A limited supply of Graviola extract, grown and harvested by indigenous people in Brazil , is finally available inAmerica . The full Graviola story–including where you can get it and how to use it–is included in Beyond Chemotherapy: New Cancer Killers, Safe as Mother’s Milk, a Health Sciences Institute FREE special bonus report on natural substances that will effectively revolutionize the fight against cancer.

P/S:- anyone can find this graviola for me please..!!!:-(

Ring for him

Last week I struggled a lot to get the best and unique for wedding ring for my future husband.

Many of you must be facing the same problem like me and hence I have decided to explore the section of his rings. wedding rings are gifted as a symbol of deep love and desire to stay with each other, through all the ups and downs of life, for years to come.Wedding ring is a silent gesture of lifelong commitment, eternal love, trust, appreciation, devotion and care for each other. Wedding rings were initially exchanged, or presented, only to women and they were traditionally worn in the left ring finger. However, with passing time, they are now worn in the left middle finger but my fiance said the tradition here ,we should be put the ring on into ring finger, so that they can be distinguished from any ring The best thing about wedding rings is that they can be a great gift for the man you love!

When it comes to selecting promise rings for him, you need to be aware of his taste for jewelry and the latest trends in mens about wedding ring. Most men are not fond of wedding rings, or any jewelry for that matter. Hence, if you really want to get him a ring, then make sure that you convey to him all that you know about wedding ring meaning . To make it more intense, you may also buy a pair of wedding rings (one for yourself as well). Keep in mind that promise rings are totally different from any rings.Being so, there is always a great chance for you to experiment with the patterns and types of wedding rings and choose a totally unique wedding ring for your man. No matter whether you want to gift him an abstinence ring (purity ring) or a pre-engagement ring, always consider his personality and preferences. If it makes you really confused, then you can also take him with you to shop for rings. Well, here are the latest trends of wedding ring.

I love him a lot and happy marriage for us..Yayy..!!

Serabut sabut..!!!

SERABUT..!!!!!!!!

Saya tak tahu mana silap saya,serabutnya ya allah..nak tulis kat cni kang,eeiii..!!!tak bley..!!tak bley..!!byk hati nak kena jaga,nak kawin ker xnak..!!nak kawen ke xnak..!!haiiishh..!!!Astaqfirullahilazim,lagi 2 hari lg jesse kau nak jadi bini org,jgn nak buat giler..!!Arghhh persetankan lah..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE'RE ENGAGED!!! Save the date: OCT 7th, 2011

Well last night, OCT 7th, 2011, at the Manchester Eye, the love of my life proposed to me!!I can't say that I have ever been happier! I am so in love with him and cannot wait to share time and all eternity with him. He is the most amazing man in this world. I honestly couldn't ask for more. I am so excited! He will be the best husband ever! I can't believe how lucky I am! What did I do to deserve such an amazing man!?


He got down on one knee and proposed! I was so surprised and speechless and I think I took like a minute to say yes after i say no to make him shock for while ;-)I do love him so much..xx

We thinking to get married as soon as possible to make it 'HALAL' and hopefully everything will be good..can't wait for share my full life with him..