Warning: this post may be triggering for some individuals, if you self harm, please read with caution.
I am extremely depressed, feeling empty when no one here and i'm alone, hollow, worthless, hopeless. Everyone always says that when you gain awareness of your actions, you have the power to change them. While I do believe that in theory, the thought actually makes me feel more powerless. I am aware of my behavior, I am generally aware of my thoughts surrounding said behavior (sometimes not until after the fact, but still aware), but I still feel powerless to change it. I dont know how, and sometimes when i depressed I dont even believe in myself enough to actually make myself do the work. I start to make myself try, the anxiety shoots through the fucking roof, and I fall back into my pit of despair. This is how I have been when i get this illness. I keep trying to convince myself that once I start therapy again it will be easier, I will have an ally that understands and can look at the situation from a rational, 3rd party perspective, that can help me learn to change. I am forcing myself to hang in there, on a hope and a prayer that this is what will come to pass, although most of me still believes that I will never be able to get better unless I am in an inpatient setting where I can focus solely on recovery without the stress of daily life, and a large part of me just wants to look up, and buy what I need to carry out the suicide plan and just get it over with. People always tell me that the fact that I am still here, that I keep forcing myself to get back up, dust myself off, and try again, is reason enough to keep trying, but is it? That it proves how strong I am, but does it? I dont know anymore.
I am extremely depressed, feeling empty when no one here and i'm alone, hollow, worthless, hopeless. Everyone always says that when you gain awareness of your actions, you have the power to change them. While I do believe that in theory, the thought actually makes me feel more powerless. I am aware of my behavior, I am generally aware of my thoughts surrounding said behavior (sometimes not until after the fact, but still aware), but I still feel powerless to change it. I dont know how, and sometimes when i depressed I dont even believe in myself enough to actually make myself do the work. I start to make myself try, the anxiety shoots through the fucking roof, and I fall back into my pit of despair. This is how I have been when i get this illness. I keep trying to convince myself that once I start therapy again it will be easier, I will have an ally that understands and can look at the situation from a rational, 3rd party perspective, that can help me learn to change. I am forcing myself to hang in there, on a hope and a prayer that this is what will come to pass, although most of me still believes that I will never be able to get better unless I am in an inpatient setting where I can focus solely on recovery without the stress of daily life, and a large part of me just wants to look up, and buy what I need to carry out the suicide plan and just get it over with. People always tell me that the fact that I am still here, that I keep forcing myself to get back up, dust myself off, and try again, is reason enough to keep trying, but is it? That it proves how strong I am, but does it? I dont know anymore.
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